In the news lately there have been a number of suicides of homosexual teens, who have been bullied for being gay or perhaps they are depressed by holding the secret of their sexual identity. This is really sad to me, that someone would kill themselves over the ridicule they get from society for something they have no control over. The one that stuck out to me was Tyler Clementi whom I spoke about in my first blog, he jumped to his death after his room mate hid a webcam in his room and then streamed live Clementi's sexual encounter with another male. Ultimately the overwhelming feeling he felt from his friends, his peers and family from knowing he was gay drove him to suicide. The really sad part is that his story is not so uncommon, perhaps not the webcam and streaming part but that gays are habitually ridiculed simply for being themselves. I just wish that people could be people and get the fuck over it, so I decided to share a little about my past and how I struggled with and still deal with depression.
Depression is something I have dealt with personally for a very long time, at least 13 years. Doctor's like to believe that it is a curable disease, that if you shove enough pills down someone's throat and they confess their secrets on a shrinks fainting couch that they will be cured. This is not true, at least not for me. It comes and goes at the surface of my thoughts but it is always haunting the bowels of my mind.
When I was a teenager my parents had me speak with physicians who's only remedy was more anti-depressants, larger doses, different drugs. I believe this may have played part in leading me to drug abuse, my parents and the doctor basically were telling me that drugs make you feel better, make you feel ok. I was on multiple drugs for my depression including; zoloft, effexor, paxil and lithium and others which I can't remember the name of. The habitual use of these drugs to "treat" my depression taught me the effects of each drug and what combination they could be used in to give me the desired effect, if any at all. However I soon latched on to other drugs and used them in conjunction with my prescriptions, I was a junkie. I won't go into detail of my addictions and overall lifestyle at that point in my life but my point here is that in a way, not shirking the blame mind you, I was coaxed into prescription drug addiction. No matter how many pills I took I still felt the same emotionally and physically, I wanted to die and many times I still struggle with these thoughts today. It's something largely misunderstood by society, people think that you want attention so you act 'emo' or that you just need to get over it and quit being sad all the time.
As someone who deals with this I think that those types of conceptions are the most insensitive to those afflicted with depression. But just as someone who does not do/has never done drugs doesn't understand an addict so to are happy people vs. depressed people. It is something that effects your entire body, inside and out, like some kind of darkness locked inside you that eats at you and tells you that you are worthless and nothing can change that. For me when it gets bad its like someone is choking me and my hands are bound, if someone asks me to do something with them I feel like I can't speak and don't want them to see me that way so I avoid being social, which is a core problem. Being around other people when you are depressed can be hard but it is also necessary, shutting yourself off from the world only serves to make it worse, yet you don't want to be around people because you think you will bring them down. I am not 'always' depressed though, there are contributing factors which can bring it on for me which are deeply personal. Generally I can put on a face that I am fine, and in many cases I can be in a good mood and enjoy life, however in the pit of my stomach those other feelings are still there. I no longer take prescription drugs or any drugs for that matter for depression or recreation, I've learned how to break out of it by listening to music or writing or drawing or running, also my son Aiyden keeps me going if it were not for him I don't know where I would be right now.
The social stigma's that face people with depression are tough to deal with, because people just want you to get better, they don't care how, and it just isn't that easy. Everyone deals with it differently, some people use humor and make light of the situation and that helps, others are self destructive; doing things like cutting, or maybe you drink or do drugs, or eat or starve yourself. If you are depressed I would say to try to confide in a close friend or family member, let them know whats going on, sometimes just talking about it with someone can relieve a lot of the pressure and it helps.
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