Positivity, Negativity, and, My Douchebaggery

This is spawned from a conversation between myself and friend that got me thinking. While there were several topics touched on in the overall conversation one thing (there are others too, which I may touch on later) stuck out to me the most, it was an observation of my own character and personality traits. While I am subconsciously aware of my emotional undertones and tactics towards those around me, what I fail to always analyze is the reaction of my actions by those around me. I am not nor have I been for a long time, an open person, by which I mean I keep things hidden and don't allow myself to completely be..me. There used to be good reason for this, out of necessity and self protection..now that need no longer exists, but I am still unable to lower my guard and let people in. This mentality follows me through my friendships, romantic relationships and even at work. The people who know the real me are so few I can count them on one hand. There are several ways one in the medical profession could diagnose this. But in a way I have always been this way, quiet and part of the background not on the forefront. Like perhaps if too many people noticed me it would somehow be a bad thing. In any case I know it is easily said that I am a pessimist and that I only see the negative in things, which in many cases I will allow you that. But I am able to see positive sides to things, and I do appreciate them when they present themselves so that in itself would not make me a complete pessimist. With these thoughts in mind I decided to do a little research as I have done in the past on this subject.

I came across a few articles on the linking between positive thinking and longevity of life that were interesting  ( http://seniorliving.about.com/od/lifetransitionsaging/a/positivethinkin.htm). Tests were given to several subjects on a weekly basis asking them to answer if they had positive thoughts such as:

"I felt that I was just as good as other people"

"I felt hopeful about the future"

"I was happy"

"I enjoyed life"

The test was given to senior's some were pessimists and others were optimists, the object of the results was to see over a period of time if there was a link between positive thinking and frailty. The research concluded that those who were positive thinkers were less likely to become frail and prone to illness than those who were pessimists. That really caught my attention, while I was aware that pessimism could possibly be linked to having a shorter life it was surprising nonetheless. Those who see the bright side in life may actually live longer than those who don't, but what makes this happen? And are these people just living in blissful ignorance of the world or are they really just as informed as the rest (when I say 'the rest' I mean the few but other people) of society but choose to see the good in things? 

I want to see the world through rose colored glasses, I want to be positive but it is easier said than done. 

I read another article on pessimism and negativity (http://www.livestrong.com/article/14751-pessimism-and-negativity/) which outlines what the author (Ortaega) feels brings on thoughts and feelings of pessimism and how to dissipate them. There are several bulleted points of thoughts/feelings that I often find myself in, I'll put a few of them here:

"look at the worst side of a situation"

"lose hope in the future"

"lonely, abandoned and isolated"

"complain about the inequities of life"

I realize I do these things probably far more than what is healthy to do so, it leaves me questioning myself and the world around me, none with positive outcomes. I know that when in a desperate situation that many turn to their religion to help them back to their feet, being an atheist this is not the same for me, strength comes from within as it does with all people, I just don't have the luxury of believing that my fate is in a god's hands. 

Now as a result of being pessimistic and negative there are the consequences of the effect it has on those close to you. This too was outlined in the same article and I once again found myself agreeing with several parts of it, here are a few of them.

As a result of my being pessimistic or negative I

"find people avoid talking to me"

don't enjoy my life and I get depressed when I think about my future"

"am not a 'fun' person to be around"

"put a huge barrier between myself and others, one that is close to impossible to overcome"

Now while this is not true with everyone I interact with, the thought is generally in the back of my mind. It is not impossible for me to be positive or to change my outlook and perspective of things, it is however very difficult. It has to do with things deeper than just saying to myself "Ok be positive, think happy thoughts" it deals with deep seeded emotional scaring and my own mental torment and is certainly not something that will be made public. However I am going to be trying to make a change in my outlook and broaden my perspective on the matter. It's been said that positive things can come from the negative in your life, simply out your own determination to persevere and when society says you can't you say "fuck you, yes I can". I think that determination is what sets us aside from people, do you have the will to make it through in the face adversity, or will you give up. 

I for one do not relish the fact that in reality most people probably do avoid me for the reasons outlined above, and I don't want to be 'that guy', so I'm making a conscious effort to change as of now. Where that will lead me, I'm not really sure. But I do know that it can't be a bad thing right? At least as long as I don't loose my 'ness' (movie reference to You, Me and Dupree) because then I lose my personality in a way. So in saying that, I am aware of my douchebaggery and my arrogance, and if in person you feel like I'm just an ass, say so, I might owe you an apology. 

Now even though this blog is titled "Positivity" it hasn't been very positive has it? In the coming weeks I will be working on a new thought model for myself to be less negative. Its going to be hard for sure, I have a lot of negative things in my life right now, but there are also positive aspects as well. I will be reflecting on what is good and bad in my life and comparing them. Now whether one outweighs another when they are outlined and put next to each other and I am able to still remain positive about it is, the real test.