Charcoal petals

So much stolen, unable to reclaim

scorched requiems and pieces of tattered memories remain

they embrace in the shadow of a dream

He wakes in cold sweat and bitter remorse of the former

two worlds un-adjoined

to hell they ride

Blistering heated wind upon her face

tearing flesh from bone

leaving nothing but a blackened soul

once in a love so pure now requited

death is all she breeds now

His hemispheres are dual and separate

in wake and dream they fight the poles

opposing ideals trading ordinance

dedicated to the insane

unable to turn, scorned but forever faithful

His senses fall like autumn leaves

staring blankly into the mirror

this is no Johnny and June story

Her love is dead

Halloween/Slootpacalypse

Bonfires burning bright,

Pumpkin faces in the night,

I remember halloween.

Dead cats hanging from poles,

Little dead are out in droves,

I remember halloween brown leaved vertigo,

Where skeletal life is known,

I remember halloween this day anything goes.

Burning bodies hanging from poles

I remember halloween,

Halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween.

Candy apples and razorblades,

Little dead are soon in graves,

I remember halloween this day anything goes,

Burning bodies hanging from poles,

I remember halloween, halloween, halloween,

halloween halloween, halloween, halloween, halloween.

The Misfits- Halloween

This song always comes to mind when October rolls around each year, and its lyrics hold pretty true at least in a sort of voyeuristic way. Everyone knows, the stores especially, that most everyone delves into their darker side in the month of October in decorations, attitude and at least one day, wardrobe. Tv stations play old horror movies in marathon form, Hollywood releases a few new horror flicks and stores are flooded with witches, pumpkins, black cats and skeletons. This is however my favorite “holiday” because for just one night out of the year, you don’t have to be yourself and you can be whatever you’ve dreamt up. I also like it because it shows a side of people that they keep hidden the rest of the year, and as adults there is usually drinking involved so inhibitions are even lower.Oh and theres also the whole deal of how girls can use it as an excuse to dress as slutty and sexy as they want with supposedly no repercussions, also earning the holiday the nickname Slootpacolypse, you can use that if you want, I stole it. It’s fun to pretend, but what if you were yourself on Halloween night and the rest of the time you were pretending? Liberating I would think.

I saw an article reposted by a friend from highschool that said Chupacabra’s are just coyotes with scabies…so that sucks, I wonder when they will demystify the Bigfoot, which really just sounds like a hairy guy with abnormally sized feet, meh.  

"Rape me, my friend.."

You know how it seems like when you were a kid that your parents were stuck in a particular era of music while the world raged forward with newness and awesome? I think that is happening to me now, I've kind of stopped getting into as much new music, and more or less sticking with artists that I like from the past, I do every once in a while find some new artists that I like though. But for the majority I just like to listen to grunge rock and metal from the 90's and follow those bands through today. It isn't that I'm not open to new music, I am, and I get excited when I find a new artist that I like or didn't know about before. Anyhow I just find that I'am able to connect with 90's music more than the new stuff, so I guess that is the time period I will be stuck in while my son grows up and will eventually ask why. Kind of how I grew up listening to The Who and Yes and Pink Floyd with my dad. Looking back, listening to those bands super loud with my Dad on his record player through those big wooden 70's style speakers in the basement of our house back in Kansas were some of the best memories even though I was so young. So perhaps that is part of maturity when you know what you like and it holds true even when you're getting left behind as everything progresses. I'am ok with that, there is a lot of good music that came from the 90's despite some critic's views, but I look to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, The Goo Goo Dolls, The Smashing Pumpkins, Green Day, Blink 182, The Offspring, Eddie Vedder(yes I am aware that Vedder aka Edward Louis Severson III was also vocalist for Pearl Jam), Korn, Staind, Cold, Oasis..I could go on, but those are some of the bands that wrote and performed songs that stick with me through today and that is just that decade. I really like classic rock as well, it just puts me in a mental state of euphoria, perhaps thats due to my past as well but never mind that. Cheers.

R.I.P. Kurt, if you would of just stuck around a little longer, we wouldn't have trash like Bieber..

Art N' Stuff

Ok so I watched a comedian/artist named Bo Burnham this past week on Comedy Central and one of the songs that I really liked was called "Art is Dead" you can watch it here. In the song he talks about how those of us that grow up to be actors and musicians and comedians etc are often that kid who cries for attention in class. Secretly feeding on that attention and growing from it, he sings about how selfish it is for him as an artist/comedian to as it were "put my name in lights" and how nothing seems to be original anymore. He even at one point says "we're rolling in dough while Carlin rolls in his grave", that part struck a chord with me because yes you do see a lot of copying of jokes in the comedy industry, it just happens but also because George Carlin was a great comedian and realist and I can imagine that being a realistic analogy of his reaction to new comedy and art in general these days. But I think that we're just about to the apex of that era, that we are just teetering on the edge of creative lulls and about to take a dive into a new and exciting realm of artistic expression. Maybe we will get to experience something like when Andy Worhol first came on the scene.

Who knows for sure, but I would like to think that we will get out of this slump of dull movies, drowned out music and uninspired work. I'd like to go to an art show to get a refresh and perhaps some inspiration of my own. It's been forever since I've done anything remotely artistic, I've done a few sketches here and there and few photoshopped images but nothing really big or involving paint and canvas.  I'm not the best artist, far far far from in fact but it does make me feel good to create. I wish that I was linked to some people who have the ability to set up large projects and just create whatever they feel inside, like Linkin Park did when they created the album art for the album Meteora.

Anyhow, I'm writing a lot tonight because for the most part I didn't sleep from Saturday until Tuesday morning and then I finally passed out and woke up around 5pm. So now I'm going to be stuck in the cycle of not sleeping at night and possibly during the day, or I'll have to make it through all of tomorrow and then sleep at night to get myself back on track. That's been a huge problem for me being on unemployment, I don't have a schedule anymore, and, I have insomnia, so no schedule + insomnia = awful. But in the spirit of not being negative, the brightside is that I am the most creative at night, so I can think of a project I might want to pursue or at least accomplish getting some writing done.

In my spare time (which is all the time lately) I watch videos on youtube, not like "ZOMG cutest kitteh ever!!!" kind but the vlogs and channels from the people who are actually putting in some real time and effort into making new content. And the majority of those people primarily live in the greater Los Angeles area and their goal ultimately is that their talent will be noticed and they will make it, to have their own show or be in a movie etc. This is kind of the new age version of "move to LA and become and actor" because while they are going to auditions and looking at getting into the industry they are doing themselves a favor by getting on camera and being comfortable with that first. I think it's pretty cool that we can do this, and upload it for free to see if people like it, negating the need for test audiences, sets etc. I often think to myself damn that would cool to do, but then I think well I'm too quiet and not really the actor type so probably not a good idea for me. But in addressing my negativity and limiting myself based on fear of failure and rejection am I putting damper on my potential? I'm not sure, but being in the spotlight probably isn't the place for me anyhow, I'd feel like Michael Cera or something but inside wanting to be Brad Pitt kind of a complex. Anyway, before this becomes any more incoherent I think I'll stop for a bit.

Positivity, Negativity, and, My Douchebaggery

This is spawned from a conversation between myself and friend that got me thinking. While there were several topics touched on in the overall conversation one thing (there are others too, which I may touch on later) stuck out to me the most, it was an observation of my own character and personality traits. While I am subconsciously aware of my emotional undertones and tactics towards those around me, what I fail to always analyze is the reaction of my actions by those around me. I am not nor have I been for a long time, an open person, by which I mean I keep things hidden and don't allow myself to completely be..me. There used to be good reason for this, out of necessity and self protection..now that need no longer exists, but I am still unable to lower my guard and let people in. This mentality follows me through my friendships, romantic relationships and even at work. The people who know the real me are so few I can count them on one hand. There are several ways one in the medical profession could diagnose this. But in a way I have always been this way, quiet and part of the background not on the forefront. Like perhaps if too many people noticed me it would somehow be a bad thing. In any case I know it is easily said that I am a pessimist and that I only see the negative in things, which in many cases I will allow you that. But I am able to see positive sides to things, and I do appreciate them when they present themselves so that in itself would not make me a complete pessimist. With these thoughts in mind I decided to do a little research as I have done in the past on this subject.

I came across a few articles on the linking between positive thinking and longevity of life that were interesting  ( http://seniorliving.about.com/od/lifetransitionsaging/a/positivethinkin.htm). Tests were given to several subjects on a weekly basis asking them to answer if they had positive thoughts such as:

"I felt that I was just as good as other people"

"I felt hopeful about the future"

"I was happy"

"I enjoyed life"

The test was given to senior's some were pessimists and others were optimists, the object of the results was to see over a period of time if there was a link between positive thinking and frailty. The research concluded that those who were positive thinkers were less likely to become frail and prone to illness than those who were pessimists. That really caught my attention, while I was aware that pessimism could possibly be linked to having a shorter life it was surprising nonetheless. Those who see the bright side in life may actually live longer than those who don't, but what makes this happen? And are these people just living in blissful ignorance of the world or are they really just as informed as the rest (when I say 'the rest' I mean the few but other people) of society but choose to see the good in things? 

I want to see the world through rose colored glasses, I want to be positive but it is easier said than done. 

I read another article on pessimism and negativity (http://www.livestrong.com/article/14751-pessimism-and-negativity/) which outlines what the author (Ortaega) feels brings on thoughts and feelings of pessimism and how to dissipate them. There are several bulleted points of thoughts/feelings that I often find myself in, I'll put a few of them here:

"look at the worst side of a situation"

"lose hope in the future"

"lonely, abandoned and isolated"

"complain about the inequities of life"

I realize I do these things probably far more than what is healthy to do so, it leaves me questioning myself and the world around me, none with positive outcomes. I know that when in a desperate situation that many turn to their religion to help them back to their feet, being an atheist this is not the same for me, strength comes from within as it does with all people, I just don't have the luxury of believing that my fate is in a god's hands. 

Now as a result of being pessimistic and negative there are the consequences of the effect it has on those close to you. This too was outlined in the same article and I once again found myself agreeing with several parts of it, here are a few of them.

As a result of my being pessimistic or negative I

"find people avoid talking to me"

don't enjoy my life and I get depressed when I think about my future"

"am not a 'fun' person to be around"

"put a huge barrier between myself and others, one that is close to impossible to overcome"

Now while this is not true with everyone I interact with, the thought is generally in the back of my mind. It is not impossible for me to be positive or to change my outlook and perspective of things, it is however very difficult. It has to do with things deeper than just saying to myself "Ok be positive, think happy thoughts" it deals with deep seeded emotional scaring and my own mental torment and is certainly not something that will be made public. However I am going to be trying to make a change in my outlook and broaden my perspective on the matter. It's been said that positive things can come from the negative in your life, simply out your own determination to persevere and when society says you can't you say "fuck you, yes I can". I think that determination is what sets us aside from people, do you have the will to make it through in the face adversity, or will you give up. 

I for one do not relish the fact that in reality most people probably do avoid me for the reasons outlined above, and I don't want to be 'that guy', so I'm making a conscious effort to change as of now. Where that will lead me, I'm not really sure. But I do know that it can't be a bad thing right? At least as long as I don't loose my 'ness' (movie reference to You, Me and Dupree) because then I lose my personality in a way. So in saying that, I am aware of my douchebaggery and my arrogance, and if in person you feel like I'm just an ass, say so, I might owe you an apology. 

Now even though this blog is titled "Positivity" it hasn't been very positive has it? In the coming weeks I will be working on a new thought model for myself to be less negative. Its going to be hard for sure, I have a lot of negative things in my life right now, but there are also positive aspects as well. I will be reflecting on what is good and bad in my life and comparing them. Now whether one outweighs another when they are outlined and put next to each other and I am able to still remain positive about it is, the real test. 

Alyssa Milano is freakin awesome!

Ok so I know a lot of my posts are what could be considered negative, but I've read something today that made me have a little bit of hope. It came surprisingly from an actress named Alyssa Milano (Charmed, Romantically Challenged, Castle) she has been very active in several charity organizations to help those struggling around the world. Alyssa works with charitable organizations such as UNICEF and Charity Water and The Global Network For Neglected Tropical Diseases, she has helped raise large amounts of money to donate to these organizations as well as donating her own money. The article can be found here http://www.gatesfoundation.org/foundationnotes/Pages/alyssa-milano-101015-social-media-social-good.aspx Alyssa uses social networking sites like Twitter to spread the word about these charities and help to raise money. She challenged her twitter followers and corporations to meet her donation of $50,000 and that amount was met by different corporations as well as a large amount donated by individuals. These charities help to bring clean water to places like Ethiopia, and medical aid to those suffering from curable diseases which would not otherwise be treated. I'm happy to see that celebrities like Alyssa and others use their wealth to help those less fortunate, we could certainly use more like them. It's nice to see someone who has benefited in America reach out to others to help those in need instead of buying a new Lamborghini. You can follow her on Twitter @Alyssa_Milano, she tweets a lot but she does warn you in her info.

**Reposted for image error, I had to upload the pic as my own file instead of using URL**

"I had a great idea...oh wait I got a text.."

*Disclaimer* this is all mostly my own opinion of a documentary called "Digital Nation" directed by Rachel Dretzin created for the PBS series Frontline and other random thoughts. 


I watched the documentary "Digital Nation" today which is a, you guessed it (not sure why Im referencing 'you' as in people read this, since they don't) a documentary. In the film it's discussed what the effect of digital media is on our lives and more importantly the minds of the youth of today. Several valid points were brought up in the film which I have noticed about my own habits but was not aware that so many others have picked up similar to my own. Such as the fact that we now write in paragraphs, you might say "oh but we were taught to write in paragraphs thats how you write an essay or any other formal form of communication". No what I mean is that we will in most cases (not statistically proven) write one paragraph, stray away from the project, essay, whatever and do something else i.e. check email, text, play a song, watch a video etc.Then return and write another paragraph which in turn leaves the two as un-adjoined ideas, the content of which can greatly differ from one another leaving the reader unsure of what exactly your point was to begin with. While they may have one unifying concept, while you were "multitasking" you may not feel the same way about your topic when you return to it, causing you to write differently. I didn't take this concept seriously until I sat and thought about just how much I really do these things, at any given moment my attention is drawn in several directions where as in the past this wasn't so. For instance in writing this one paragraph I; visited the Netflix website to check my recently viewed films to get the director and publishing company that created the documentary I wanted to write about, visited a thesaurus website to find a better word for writing and then decided it doesn't matter no one reads this and besides I am not that intelligent, checked my text messages, and have the new All that remains album playing in the background. 


On a day to day basis we are all continually getting more and more trapped into digital "worlds" more so than the real world, why? Because the real world is depressing and doesn't afford us the ability in most cases to do the things that we wish we could. Now I am not a player but I do wonder that if the game World of Warcraft were available for people of say med-evil times and they were told that they could be a king or any of the other mythic creatures in the game that they could never be in real life because they are a peasant, who wouldn't play? Now not only do we have the ability to play these games that make fantasy a reality but we also have the ability to as I said in a previous post communicate with anyone anywhere at any time. This is becoming something that the world has never seen, and more and more we would rather live in fantasy than reality. But that is not the only path to be taken, nonetheless you can be sucked into digital life and completely ignore the rest of the world. Take for example a family of 4 in todays world, the father might be on his laptop reading the news on cnn while the daughter is on her laptop watching youtube videos and the son is playing a game on his DS and the mother is looking up something housewifish (it doesn't matter what I write for her it will seem sexist) on another laptop. Each of these people are all in the same room yet none of them is paying any attention to the people in the room with them, they are in their own worlds. You see this out in the world too, people walking and talking on their cell phones, texting, or those writer wannabee's at starbucks who think everyone needs to see them on their laptop. 


The worry is that this is effecting us in adverse ways, that we cannot form complete thoughts anymore because we are thinking in too many directions. A study was done independently of the documentary on the mental activity of the so-called multitaskers of today, and the results weren't what they were expecting. They found that the mental activity of someone who was reading a book was actually lower than that of someone who is Googling different ideas. They did not say what the person was searching or if they were being told what to search or not but the brain scan showed that the mental activity of the person searching the net was higher. However when these same people who professed to be able to handle 5 or more tasks at once (all internet and digital media related) failed significantly when put up against a test created to see how quickly and accurately the subject's brain is to change subject matter or principal with the click of 1 of 4 buttons to correspond with the image shown. 


Now back to the idea that we are unable to form complete thoughts as a side effect of digital media (I just changed the artist and song I am listening to while transitioning to this next paragraph), the reason why they believe this is happening is because as we answer our texts, emails and change songs and search through the internet simultaneously we are disorganizing our memory. What that means essentially is that because we tend to do so many things at the same time or at least seemingly, our thoughts are formed in part and then dissipated by our changing of subject material or at least the thoughts are fragmented. This is said to effect the tweens and teens that are growing up in the proposed digital revolution the most. Because at their age the brain is not yet fully formed and habits are starting to take place so if they are teaching their brains to constantly change subject and format, there may be a deeper consequence not yet observed. In other words what will these kids do when put into a work place later in life that does not allow for their need to change subject matter, where they must stay focused on the task at hand and not derive from it. However there is also the possibility that when they enter the workforce that jobs may begin to evolve towards this type of behavior instead only the tasks being work related. In my last job multitasking was actually in the job requirements list because I did have to switch between several different banking programs, search the internet to validate information and possibly also call out to customers while only being paid for the job as whole. 


Perhaps the jobs of the future will require multitasking more and more, I know that anything involving the tech industry and even banking already does and uses it to its advantage. So perhaps the new generation is not lost, perhaps it is those who do not possess this quality that will be left behind However this is still the thought that this is damaging to us, and I wonder how it has effected me since I am not truly a child of this generation they are speaking of. I grew up as the internet was being born and coming into existence, and through my adolescence I saw it take form and become the all-controling force that it is today. The generation being spoken of in the documentary was the kids who have grown up with the internet being there and don't know life without it or all the digital media it entails. When I was a teen I did have a cell phone, but at first it was merely one of those trac-fones with minutes added from a card and it was a nokia the size of a brick. But I had one and that progressed to a smaller phone with T-mobile which I quickly became addicted to despite the crappy service, and from there phone after phone until the release of the iPhone. Holy atheismo (haha Futurama reference) was that awesome! From that point I had an internet connected phone which was a new addiction of its own, the internet right there in the palm of my hand, however slow the connection was, was irrelevant at the time. The internet has found its way into basically every facet of out daily lives, its on our phones, our computers, at work, on our game systems and somewhat our cars. We depend on it like a life resource, hardly anyone I know actually no one I know doesn't carry a cell phone with them. We have the ability to find out whatever random thing we may think up during the day, just Google it. It causes us to be less investigative because all we need to do is a click away and we have 134,857,582 search results at our fingertips. 


It is strange to think how great we all thought this would be to be in the information technology era but yet how debilitating it has become and will become in the future. Less and less kids are outdoors playing because they are inside on their computers or game systems or phones. And so too is the rest of society, also a tidbit to think about is that robots are becoming a reality, and not just the ones that build cars. Sophisticated real robots, that can at this point already learn and complete new tasks, carry out armed military missions, and even dance. In the coming years they will become more and more a part of our daily lives whether we like it or not. It just brings to mind movies like iRobot and Robocop for me, or even the matrix, we are headed there and no one seems to mind. Its a bit far off but if I live that long (only about another 30 years) I'll have to chuckle to myself as my robot overlord crushes my skull between its titanium claws and say "totally called it". 


This isn't to say that I am afraid of technology or think that it is bad, I am just as addicted as the next geek and every new piece of tech that comes out I want to have it and integrate it into my life. I am merely commenting on the fact that technology as invented controls us, but we have always been this way since the invention of the wheel, its how we use it that matters. Whether or not we face a future of black scorched skies and a desolate wasteland controlled by merciless killer robots or a bright shiny one with the machines doing all the work and people just living their lives in utopia is all up to us. Cheers. 

A Gonzo tale

Writing
a feat one should not attempt
when in such a lucid state of being
Fearing the fiends finding me in my darkest of moments
shrouded in darkness to stave off the lurid pigs of a dichotomy so foul
it would make Hitler spit in disgust

Reading pages and pages of doctrine dictated louder
than the cries of ten thousand wretched putrid souls
swimming in the shit pools poured for their decay
No, instead, writing in cryptic linguistic madness
No pens no ink no pencils or shriveled historic parcels of charcoal
just cold hard plastic
or in this case of befouled tragic design flaws
broiling hot nearly melting keys and custom molded fiberglass
burning beneath my bony fingertips

Points? We have none
We thirst for blood
but hide behind our own shadows in the face of fear
We have wants and lusts for flesh and congress
yet we boil in our own skin and some call it sin
Be sorry for your thoughts you twisted malcontent
Soil yourself while you weep and masturbate
In memory of the life you wish you had
life is like sitting at a table dressed with fine china
and platinum silverware
where you can smell the food but never taste
unless you change your name and skin color
dishonor your brother
and become a whore for the machine.

Inspired by Hunter S. Thompson and thanks to a friend for introducing me to his work.

Gangsta's are Emo

Emo Kids

Thuggin' Gangsta's

Ever notice that "gangsta's" tend to look pretty emo in their pictures? They never smile and both groups wear dark clothes and look all doom and gloom all the time, except gang bangers have less shirts...just sayin'. 

Trolls; shut up.

I came here to write something, but I can't for a life of me remember what it was. I've been in a really bad mood this entire week, I read the news and watch vlogs from people I follow and it only serves to make me more angry at the world. I hate the thought that there are so many heartless bigots in this country. I feel like if there was an event that was catastrophic and unprecedented in size and magnitude that struck the country and caused innumerable deaths that maybe just maybe people could stop being so fucking stupid and come together and be a damn species and stop segregating everyone by race, religion and sexuality. Maybe if enough death and destruction took place people would get over themselves. Probably not, more likely people would point fingers at some organization and just make them the target of their newfound hate.

It seems to me that people have this idea in their heads that it is not ok to be decent, it is not ok to get along with people. In fact it seems like people have more to hate and more ways to tell those things they hate, that they hate them, everyday. What is the point of this? What does it gain you? Didn't peoples mothers teach them as kids the whole "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say it" lesson? In all reality, no probably not. Being that I am on the internet probably far more than what is good for my health I tend to read a lot of comments on the various sites I visit on a regular basis. And more times than not there are people "trolling" which essentially means to go about the internet and find things then say whatever negative asshat thought you have just to piss off the person who created and or posted the thing you saw. Why? If you don't appreciate whatever it is you read/saw/heard then offer some kind of constructive criticism to that person to make something better in the future. Leaving negative feedback that has no real content just makes you a jackass polluting the internet with your negativity. Anyway it just really irritates me that this is the way the world is, and it makes me want to see it burn.

Anti-Drug and Pro Alcohol ads

Anti-Drug ads, why are they such sensationalistic bullshit? Ads like this use fear to send a message that says "This and all drugs WILL kill you and nothing else" which simply isn't true. Yes there are dangers to taking drugs, yes they are damaging to your body and mind, BUT they do not instantly kill you (in most cases), you do not run out and get in your car and run over small children in the street. This particular ad says "might as well stick a bullet in your head..." what? really? sorry but no, putting a bullet in your head is like putting a bullet in your head not an Ecstasy tab. Granted you cannot educate someone with just a few words on a simple ad, but blatantly lying isn't helping anyone. 

Kids know that taking something once generally will not kill them (I'm not saying that it hasn't, simply that statistically this result is uncommon especially with drugs that people often try first such as marijuana), and they are not as naive as the people who create these ads would like to believe. I remember when I took health classes in school, when drugs were discussed the teacher was not educated on realities of drugs but instead on statistics and whatever the book taught. Although this is expected as teachers are background tested and drug tested and no I do not want teachers on drugs teaching our kids, not my point. For drug education classes I think that it would be beneficial for students to hear from someone who has done drugs, to talk to them about their experiences, it would still accomplish their goals of striking fear into the hearts of minors and paint a more realistic picture of life on drugs. Back to my point that kids know more than you think, by the time any health class talks to kids about drugs those who were curious about them have probably already tried them. If they are thinking about experimenting with drugs believe that they will, and telling them no drugs are bad wont stop them, in fact it may push them to do instead in defiance of you. That's why I think its important to be honest and realistic when you talk to kids about drugs, the internet is right there for both you and the kid and independently you may both come to very different conclusions . Because guess what while you might be looking up "how to talk to my kid about drugs" they might be looking up "how to make meth" both readily available answers. 

Now ads like this are not limited to just illegal drugs, there are also anti-drinking ads, and they are just as bad, like this one. 

It is supposed to mock an ad for Absolut Vodka, again what does it convey? That drinking kills you, right? Now take a look at an ad for alcohol that is for adults.

Pretty much polar opposites right? The one for teens says you die and the ad for adults conveys a message that says "drink Budwiser and hot women will have sex with you" although we all know better it's funny to analyze the situation. So the exact same main ingredient in both substances changes its effect based on your age? I think not. We all know that the alcohol industry is alive and well and largely due to its advertising but also that most adults enjoy drinking and can do it in moderation, there are idiots but thats why there are DWI's. Marketing and business need aside, alcohol is a drug and is dangerous if used in excess, the same as most drugs with the exception that alcohol is legal. 

Due to the industry we look at alcohol a lot differently than we look at drugs, you look at someone who is an alcoholic differently than you look at someone who is a drug addict. Would you look at someone who uses lets say heroin, differently if heroin were legal and sold in stores? Possibly, not very likely though because when you think of a heroin addict you see something like this in your brainbox

Not a pretty picture is it. Not nearly as glamorous and easy to conceal as alcoholism..

Anyhow, there wasn't much of a point to me posting this, just that I saw the ad at the top of this blog and was annoyed by it and it made me think of how people are quick to point fingers at everyone but themselves. I agree with the ads that say talk to your kids, thats it, talk to them and level with them. Don't talk down to them, don't preach and most importantly LISTEN to what they have to say back to you. 

Suicides, depression and stigma

In the news lately there have been a number of suicides of homosexual teens, who have been bullied for being gay or perhaps they are depressed by holding the secret of their sexual identity. This is really sad to me, that someone would kill themselves over the ridicule they get from society for something they have no control over. The one that stuck out to me was Tyler Clementi whom I spoke about in my first blog, he jumped to his death after his room mate hid a webcam in his room and then streamed live Clementi's sexual encounter with another male. Ultimately the overwhelming feeling he felt from his friends, his peers and family from knowing he was gay drove him to suicide. The really sad part is that his story is not so uncommon, perhaps not the webcam and streaming part but that gays are habitually ridiculed simply for being themselves. I just wish that people could be people and get the fuck over it, so I decided to share a little about my past and how I struggled with and still deal with depression.

Depression is something I have dealt with personally for a very long time, at least 13 years. Doctor's like to believe that it is a curable disease, that if you shove enough pills down someone's throat and they confess their secrets on a shrinks fainting couch that they will be cured. This is not true, at least not for me. It comes and goes at the surface of my thoughts but it is always haunting the bowels of my mind.

When I was a teenager my parents had me speak with physicians who's only remedy was more anti-depressants, larger doses, different drugs. I believe this may have played part in leading me to drug abuse, my parents and the doctor basically were telling me that drugs make you feel better, make you feel ok. I was on multiple drugs for my depression including; zoloft, effexor, paxil and lithium and others which I can't remember the name of. The habitual use of these drugs to "treat" my depression taught me the effects of each drug and what combination they could be used in to give me the desired effect, if any at all. However I soon latched on to other drugs and used them in conjunction with my prescriptions, I was a junkie. I won't go into detail of my addictions and overall lifestyle at that point in my life but my point here is that in a way, not shirking the blame mind you, I was coaxed into prescription drug addiction. No matter how many pills I took I still felt the same emotionally and physically, I wanted to die and many times I still struggle with these thoughts today. It's something largely misunderstood by society, people think that you want attention so you act 'emo' or that you just need to get over it and quit being sad all the time.

As someone who deals with this I think that those types of conceptions are the most insensitive to those afflicted with depression. But just as someone who does not do/has never done drugs doesn't understand an addict so to are happy people vs. depressed people. It is something that effects your entire body, inside and out, like some kind of darkness locked inside you that eats at you and tells you that you are worthless and nothing can change that. For me when it gets bad its like someone is choking me and my hands are bound, if someone asks me to do something with them I feel like I can't speak and don't want them to see me that way so I avoid being social, which is a core problem. Being around other people when you are depressed can be hard but it is also necessary, shutting yourself off from the world only serves to make it worse, yet you don't want to be around people because you think you will bring them down. I am not 'always' depressed though, there are contributing factors which can bring it on for me which are deeply personal. Generally I can put on a face that I am fine, and in many cases I can be in a good mood and enjoy life, however in the pit of my stomach those other feelings are still there. I no longer take prescription drugs or any drugs for that matter for depression or recreation, I've learned how to break out of it by listening to music or writing or drawing or running, also my son Aiyden keeps me going if it were not for him I don't know where I would be right now.

The social stigma's that face people with depression are tough to deal with, because people just want you to get better, they don't care how, and it just isn't that easy. Everyone deals with it differently, some people use humor and make light of the situation and that helps, others are self destructive; doing things like cutting, or maybe you drink or do drugs, or eat or starve yourself. If you are depressed I would say to try to confide in a close friend or family member, let them know whats going on, sometimes just talking about it with someone can relieve a lot of the pressure and it helps.

Dude..that's like...whoa

A controversial topic has been debated back and forth for years and years, the legalization of marijuana. And it has made it to the ballot a few different times, but is ultimately voted down. However a recent bill was signed by California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger named SB 1449, also signed by Sen. Mark Leno (D-San Francisco). Under the new motion the possession (if caught) of under 1 ounce of marijuana will be treated as an infraction, not a misdemeanor, meaning that there will be no arrest made or consequential hearing. When asked Schwarzenegger stated that he is not in favor of non-medical marijuana use, however by decriminalizing these low amount possession charges we will free up the court system for more pressing matters as well as save a great deal of money on state appointed prosecutors, attorneys, jury's, court reporters etc for under an ounce of pot possession. 


Let's face it, a lot of people smoke pot, especially in California and the majority of them are not causing problems in society. The passing of SB 1449 will make it so that small amounts for personal use will be treated as a traffic ticket with a maximum fine of $100 to be paid by the guilty party. I think that this is a good thing, and will in fact cut down on court expenses and police paperwork, as well as saving people who aren't really criminals from having an arrest and or jail time on their records. 


Now this is not to say that marijuana is legal, just that possession of under an ounce will result in a ticket not a misdemeanor and arrest. Prop 19 aka Regulate, Control and Tax Cannabis Act of 2010 will be on ballot to vote on November 2nd 2010 in California. The proposition will make the possession of up to one ounce of marijuana legal by any person, in conjunctions with SB 1449 it will largely decriminalize small amounts of marijuana, make it taxable by local governments for legal cannabis dispensaries for medical marijuana. 


However what it does not do is make it legal to sell pot to just anyone, you must still possess a medical marijuana card given by a licensed physician. That means that if you happen to be a casual smoker but don't have a so-called "medical need" for it, you must still seek out illegal drug dealers. This to me is still a problem, decriminalizing the possession of the small amount is a step in the right direction but not allowing the sale to take place in a regulated fashion not only loses the state money but still forces people to deal with drug dealers. Being a rehabilitated addict myself I know that most ordinary people do not like to deal with drug dealers, they live in bad neighborhoods, usually hang out with more dealers, are armed and a myriad of other sociopathic issues. It would be much better to just be able to go to the store ask for an ounce of koosh, hand over your money, get a receipt and leave. We do the same for alcohol and tobacco every day and no one thinks any different of it. When in fact alcohol is more dangerous than marijuana, if you don't believe me here is an experiment. Take two people who are normally competent drivers, give one of them 4 shots of whiskey, give the other a blunt (marijuana filled cigar wrapper for you squares) and allow them to sit for 30 minutes, then administer the typical impairment tests given by police. 


It does seem that with these weight limits purposed (1 ounce) that it will give leeway to organized crime to get away with moving large amounts of marijuana with more people, but if you think about it, thats just silly isn't it. No drug dealer or organized party is going to split hundreds of pounds of weed into single ounces and have a person at a time transport it in order to avoid arrests of their employees, thats stupid. 


Really when you think about it marijuana should have never been made illegal in the first place, here are a few of the reasons why the plant was really made illegal in the United States, it isn't what you would think. 

• Racism
• Fear
• Protection of Corporate Profits
• Yellow Journalism
• Ignorant, Incompetent, and/or Corrupt Legislators
• Personal Career Advancement and Greed

The Marijuana plant has been in use by humans as far back as 7,000 B.C. and it has far more uses than just for smoking. However its history is scattered and obscure. It is unknown the exact arrival in the United States, however Native American's all over the continent grew and used Marijuana for both smoking and other goods. Other possible uses for the plant include; rope, cloth, food, moisturizer and others can all be made using hemp. In 1619 in the colony of Jamestown, Virginia it was actually law that all farms grow Marijuana or "Indian Hempseed", you could literally be jailed for not growing the plant, how the tables have turned. Up until the United States Census of 1850 a counted 8,327 hemp “plantations” (minimum 2,000-acre farm) were in America and it was not illegal. However during the Mexican revolution, many illegal immigrants from mexico were flooding the Texas, New Mexico and California borders and bringing marijuana with them. They offered cheaper labor (surprise?) and many of the locals believed that the plant was to blame for their lower expectations. It was actually California that passed the first laws making the plant illegal. "Other states quickly followed suit with marijuana prohibition laws, including Wyoming (1915), Texas (1919), Iowa (1923), Nevada (1923), Oregon (1923), Washington (1923), Arkansas (1923), and Nebraska (1927). These laws tended to be specifically targeted against the Mexican-American population." (Drug WarRant, 2010) Many if not all of the states which followed the laws were going based on racist reasoning and non-scientific theories, in Texas, a senator said on the floor of the Senate: “All Mexicans are crazy, and this stuff [marijuana] is what makes them crazy.” mind you that was said in the Senate.  

In the 1930's Dr.'s began submitting writings that colored the plant as being linked to violent behavior, turning a story told by Marco Polo of so-called "Hashashin's" or assassins who were empowered by the drug, into an amalgamation of anyone who uses the drug will become violent and slaughter everyone in their path. This is where the term "Reefer Madness" came from, describing a user of cannibinoids as a crazed psychopath. 

Meet Mr. Harry J. Anslinger, the acclaimed harbinger of the dangers of Marijuana and the need for illegality at the federal level, requiring an amendment to the constitution. Anslinger was seeking to make a defining career with the Bureau of Narcotics which was generally against Cocaine and other opiates. However he knew that these drugs simply wouldn't net him enough of a guilty party, so he pulled in marijuana as well, feeding off of the already negative information of links to violence and other racist pleas. Anslinger is famously quoted with the following extremely racist comment; 

“There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the US, and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos, and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz, and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and any others.” - Anslinger

or

“Reefer makes darkies think they’re as good as white men.”

In steps 

William Randolf Hearst wealthy newspaper owner and acclaimed racist. Hearst wanted to help Anslinger in his quest to make Marijuana illegal because of the possibility of hemp paper taking over the newspaper industry. He did not want this to happen because he also had a large amount of money invested in a lumber company to make the paper to support his newspaper business. 

"

Hearst and Anslinger were then supported by Dupont chemical company and various pharmaceutical companies in the effort to outlaw cannabis. Dupont had patented nylon, and wanted hemp removed as competition. The pharmaceutical companies could neither identify nor standardize cannabis dosages, and besides, with cannabis, folks could grow their own medicine and not have to purchase it from large companies." (DrugWarRant, 2010) These companies were protecting themselves from lost revenue, not the public from a dangerous drug, they invented the danger in effort to sway public opinion, this is what is known as "yellow journalism". 

The Marijuana Tax Act of 1937, Anslinger's opiate opus was coming to a crescendo, it was about to happen. But 

Dr. William C. Woodward, Legislative Council of the American Medical Association, appeared and spoke against Anslinger, stating that his findings were contrived and fabricated by Hearst and that his findings called it "Marihuana" not Cannabis or Hemp. "

At this point, marijuana (or marihuana) was a sensationalist word used to refer to Mexicans smoking a drug and had not been connected in most people’s minds to the existing cannabis/hemp plant. Thus, many who had legitimate reasons to oppose the bill weren’t even aware of it." (DrugWarRant, 2010).  

There was some debate in the court room over the evidence presented and that there was no counter evidence nor a side that was rooting for the plant to remain legal, in the end the Marijuana Tax Act of 1937 was passed, due to lies, persuasion and yellow journalism. From that point on Anslinger and people like him spread lies and held rallies telling the 'evils' of marijuana and its users. They successfully ended a multi-platform use plant by saying one of its uses cause madness, violence and that it led the white women having relations with other races. It is only now that in 2010, nearly 73 years later that these laws are starting to break down, but the social stigma toward the plant is nearly engraved into our minds. Even users of the drug know how society see's them, and it is because of these men of the past that those stigma's exist at all. 

 

The answer to the great question, life, and everything is...42. Gliese 581 G.

In early 2010 scientists discovered a series of planets dubbed the Gliese 581 system, it consists of 6 planets orbiting a star much as Earth does in our solar system. The planets in the Gliese system have been generically named; E, B, C, G, D, and F. It's believed by scientists that the planet G may be capable of supporting life, it is not too close to the orbiting sun nor too far away suggesting temperatures on the planet may be livable. Also it appears that there is water on the planet, and the general consensus is that wherever water exists, life must exist, a main reason why they have tried so hard to find and prove that water exists or existed on Mars. The Gliese system is about 20 light years distance from Earth, to put that into perspective one light year is 6 trillion miles so the system is 120,000,000,000 miles from us. Given that large of a distance it would still take 20 years worth of traveling at the speed of light which is 299,792,458 metres per second or approximately 186,282 miles per second, all of that and we have not yet mastered space travel nor created a vehicle capable of traveling the speed of light.  

This to me is very exciting, it is one of the first possibilities of a planet that may have the ability to support life. I have always been a believer that there must be others out there, it is just arrogant to think that this is the only planet in all of the universe with intelligent life. When you think how massive space is and the millions possibly trillions of stars and other planets that are out there it seems like a waste of space for every planet other than ours to be dead. But given the distance between our systems and our spacial limitations it will be a very long time before we learn very much more about the Gliese or other similar systems. 

Ok enough science and off on to a tangent about my random thoughts. I think that is these distance worlds are inhabited by intelligent life there would have to be an explanation as to why we have not yet seen them or evidence of them elsewhere in the universe. My ideas are that either; they are closely in line with our own intelligence level and development and have also not yet mastered space travel in order to travel to our world; they are less intelligent and developed than we are and have thousands of years worth left before they would attempt space travel; or they are far more advanced than we are and they have learned of our world and observed us yet have decided not to interfere because we are not yet intelligent enough and capable of being peaceful with another species more intelligent than our own (sorry for the giant run-on sentence). Anyways I think it would be incredible to present when we do finally make contact (no not that stupid Jodie Foster movie) although it will most likely not take place in our lifetime, or for several thousand years but the thought is cool. Cheers. 

One can dream

Her name is Kate Micucci (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm2177528/bio), she's a singer, ukulele, piano and kazoo player, stand up comedian, sand castle artist, actress and amazing person. I saw her once on the show Scrubs but didn't know who she was, and tonight I saw her on G4's women on the web. She has a quirky kind of beauty about her, and she seems like a sweet and genuine person. She represents a lot of qualities I look for in girl, and if I ever found a girl like her I think I'd have to put a ring on her finger before she got away. But alas I am painfully single, but it is necessity, for I am master of poor choices...

Not sure why I'm posting this, kinda makes me sound like a pathetic hopeless romantic pussbag but it's my blog, I does what I wants.

"Do you expect me to talk? No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die."

So there was a recent release of an extremely sophisticated malware virus known as Stuxnet which was created to target specific industrial software control systems. What this means is that this virus can be planted in a network that is connected to machinery that control different processes, it can be tuned down to the finest degree, such as not activating until a specific pressure or temperature is reached. Once the trigger operation occurs the virus is activated and rapidly infects the targeted software causing it to malfunction and damage the machine it now controls. What could this really do? From the concept, a lot. In fact this type of software is the stuff of 007 villains, it could be used to override and control a nuclear reactor core, causing an eventual meltdown that could not be stopped due to the software infection of the system.

The Stuxnet virus was targeted at Iran, the source of the code is believed to be a large group of computer programmers or hackers with specific targets and results in mind. However it's been speculated that this is more likely the work of a government seeking to destabilize Iran's nuclear program. If that were the case the likely suspects are; Israel, The United States, and Russia. My bet is on the US, Iran is obviously on the hitlist for America and creating a virus that could destroy their systems without military action and simultaneously make them look dangerous and unsafe in their nuclear programs would allow the U.N. to step in and put a stop to it all together. 

I find it interesting that we live in a time where the things we used to only see in movies are coming to real life, maybe we can have 'sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads' haha. What will come of this and other viruses like it I am sure we will see the evidence of soon, but it wont be told truthfully, no doubt there will be a scapegoat to blame with a nuclear plant in Iran implodes and we have another Chernobyl incident on our hands.

We are the 'look at me' generation

Just stating the obvious really, this is the generation where nearly everyone has some type of social network they belong to on the internet. We post things for our friends and family to read and comment on, from status updates to pictures to videos its all there. With the advent of the internet its created a new ground that gives everyone a voice, no matter how menial or possibly poignant they may be. It allows us to put our thoughts out there for anyone to read, whether its a tweet about your breakfast or a Facebook status that you're going to the gym. The majority of us have these accounts and use them fervently. There are now over an estimated 80 million Twitter users, 35 million on Facebook, and over 100 million users on Myspace (yes people still use it). That's a lot of people! Also many people who subscribe to one of these services often subscribe to more, for example I have a Facebook, Twitter, Blog, Youtube and Myspace accounts but to be fair I haven't logged in to Myspace in over 2 years.

But I'm straying from my point, we are in a time where we have the ability to be heard at any time, in any place, never before has there been so many systems of communication in society. It allows us to connect with friends and family, and..strangers who may become new friends. However this can create the illusion that someone has more 'friends' than others do, when in fact they really only personally know a small percentage of those people. For example one of my 'friends' on Twitter has over 1.6 million followers, it is literally impossible for her to know hardly any of those people on a personal basis, yet they are all privy to read her tweets and follow her life. Why would anyone want to waste their time and do this? Because we live in a society that is bored, and constantly in fast forward moving to the next best thing. I saw a bump ad on [adult swim] on cartoon network that caught my attention, it was a satirical ad for a fake social network called "squirtter" Twitter for Squirrels. And in the ad it said something to the effect of "a new social network for you and your dumb friends so you know what they are doing all damn day because, apparently, you care". I had to laugh because it is pretty true, since when have so many people felt the need to be constantly involved in everyones lives?

I think at the core of it, these networks beg at our own needs and wants for attention, most people (not everyone, I know) want people to know what they did or are doing, to leave an imprint, to exist. And if people respond to your posts it generates a conversation and a sense of self importance. Which may be why some people tend to be Facebook and/or Twitter "whores" because they want to get as many friends as possible to generate as much traffic and comments as possible. But it's not all bad, far from it, these networks can help you stay in touch with old friends who you might not live around any more, or family members as well. I know it has helped me to stay in contact with my family and friends and it allows me to see updates on my new niece whom I have yet to meet in person simply due to distance and money.

Ok so I realize that my posts might offend people, and that isn't their intent, the reason why I started this blog was to get out what I'm thinking, I'm not saying I'm right or that I couldn't be proven wrong on some things, it's just what is on my mind at the moment and my opinion on the matter. I do try to be informed about a topic before I go spewing out opinions and I do research things so that I don't come off as a complete ass.  But if you think I'm wrong or that I'm misinformed or should try a different viewpoint, please by all means comment here or on my Facebook page, or on Twitter @Haganc1337