I've really had enough of these vapid douchebags and it's high time someone took them out, so I dreamt up some imaginative or not so imaginative ways for them to be assassinated. Enjoy.
"Dj Pauly D"
The fact that this juicehead moron is even allowed to put the prefix "DJ" into his name is a shame to all real dj's out there. Being that he think's he is a dj, that will be his demise put him as a warm up for Deadmau5 and arm the crowd with dull sporks and allow them to dismember every shitty tribal tattoo and bit of steroid created muscle from his body. Of course his hair is impenetrable so don't bother with the head.
Jenni Farley "J-woww"
I don't know anything about this one honestly, and since I will not willingly subject myself to the awfulness of the show I'm going easy on her. Hand her over to an unlicensed but affordable Peruvian plastic surgeon and let him create the first ever living chupacabra, facial structure is already there just give it some claws and a bottle of hipnotic. Side note, what exactly is "woww" (two w's..) about this one? She looks like a future cast member of desperate housewives of new jersey.
Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
Ugh, where to start with this one. This guy pisses me off in so many ways it isn't...maybe it is..funny..whatever. He really just needs to admit that he's gay, that's ok really no one would care but no he insists that he's some kind of jersey god's gift to women or girly asian boys, depending on who's looking. I think this calls for some good ole' fashion mid-evil torture technique. For this, The Wheel: in which a rope was attached to each of the limbs of the criminal, one being bound round each leg from the foot to the knee, and round each arm from the wrist to the elbow. These ropes were then fastened to four bars, to each of which a strong horse was harnessed, as if for towing a barge. These horses were first made to give short jerks; and when the agony had elicited heart-rending cries from the unfortunate man, who felt his limbs being dislocated without being broken, the four horses were all suddenly urged on with the whip in different directions, and thus all the limbs were strained at one moment. If the tendons and ligaments still resisted the combined efforts of the four horses, the executioner assisted, and made several cuts with a hatchet on each joint. When at last, for this horrible torture often lasted several hours - each horse had drawn out a limb, they were collected and placed near the hideous trunk, which often still showed signs of life, and the whole were burned together.
Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi
What is a snooki? Does it mean orange-midget-retard-oompalooma? Because that's certainly what this chick embodies. And what the hell is that thing on her head? Is it hair or a culmination of tumors and herpes and cysts gestating over where her brain used to be. This bitch is only a little taller than a coffee table and spends more time in a tanning salon than John McCain spends screaming hate speech to the Senate. I say throw her in the locked containment area of the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, generate some anti-matter and see if we can turn her into the first ever Orange Hole, so she wont just have one, she will BE one.
Vinny Guadagnino
This guy is such a loser that IMDB's only blip about him says "italian-american". I think someone said he wants to be a lawyer or something, sorry but I think Staten Island's court circuit is full-up of wanna-be-guido-lawyers who passed the bar because of their daddy's. Since he claims to have an affinity for the law I'll go with a straight up old fashioned hanging in front of the Supreme Court Appellate Division building on 27 Madison Avenue of New York City.
The rest of them..just let them continue going tanning 3x a day until they get skin cancer and commit suicide over their lack of neon-orange glow, I got bored in the middle of this so I don't really care about the rest of the cast even enough to post their names.
**This is what I feel is obvious but I'll say it anyway, this is a joke and in no way factual feeling or thought but rather the summation of sarcastic irritation played out via sadistic hypothetical death scenarios, if you don't get sarcasm or 'black comedy' (not black as in black people, black as in dark) then seriously consider how sheltered you are and promptly slap yo self.**
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