I'm not really sure where I'm at lately, like I'm lost in some kind of nightmare. Like I'm trapped in the body of some alien who's lost his home and everything he knew, and just wants to adapt, but can't. I try to connect with the world but end up failing each time. Choking on my own words like a buffoon yet I have reactions that are only symbiotic to someone who's walked on a very different path than the rest of society. I just want to be normal, whatever the hell that is, or perhaps I don't seeing as when I read commentary from so-called "normal people" they seem more insane than I do.
I received a phone call from my college that went to voicemail, they were asking if I was interested in enrolling to the Bachelor program. I am interested in continuing my education, but right now to be honest I don't think I could meet the requirements for school. Lately I just feel dumb, perhaps its the lack of intellectual stimulation, or my new shut-in lifestyle, I'm not sure. Indecisiveness has been a plague to me as of late, even down to simple things like getting my oil changed and the high mileage overhaul. What do you do with those feelings of hesitation and reprehensible thoughts?
Lately more than before I'm noticing how every one of my friends is in a committed relationship, marriage or otherwise, and I envy them. All I had ever wanted was to find someone who could love me for me flaws and all and I the same for her, marry them and start a life together and for a very brief time I did have that life. It felt as though I was untouchable..but also that things were going too well and that something terrible was about to happen. And it did. The recoil of my divorce has seemingly not dissipated even 2 years later, I have recovered in several aspects but I still find myself waking from dreams of us being back together that felt so real. In many ways I just want my family back, I want to be able to see my son every day and I'm willing to deal with all the pain that would come with that. But I know that will never happen and one day I will have to explain to my son why daddy and mommy aren't together, and that breaks me up inside. So then here I am, barely 24 years old, a divorce' and a single father, I am without a doubt...damaged goods. It's hard to keep someone interested in you that is single with no kids once you've told them you do have a son and previous marriage, I might as well say I have aids. I am ready to start a new relationship, if I could find someone. I don't hold a high opinion of myself, but I do think I deserve someone who wont use me, fuck me over etc. But as I said before, Im the master of poor decisions. And it's with that in mind that I end up deciding not to look or put myself out there. It's hard though too not having any single friends to go out with to meet people, not that it's necessary but when you go somewhere with that intent, sitting by yourself eyeing the crowd just makes you look like a creep. There are alternatives, online dating and such, I have browsed the sites but never acted on contacting a girl I've found there. Probably for fear of the picture either not being her at all or from 5 years and 180lbs ago, lets be honest if you are on online dating then you are shopping for that "perfect fit" by profile pic and info.
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