Have you ever come to a stand still in your life and just stopped and asked yourself "what am I doing here?" not like you are confused as to where you are but in reference to your progress as a human being, as an adult. Lately my answer to that question is "not enough". It feels like I should be further along, I should have my MBA, I should have a $100,000+ a year job, I should own a home, a dog, whatever it takes to feel..normal..whatever that is. It just seems like I am climbing a hill with no apex, a stairmaster with no off switch, always moving but never going anywhere. In short, I don't feel I have accomplished much in life, moreover I have failed cataclysmic-ally. I've been receiving complements lately and more than just from my mother and it is nice to hear and appreciated, yet I can't help but feel it is undeserved. This lies with my need to become more positive and less negative, but that begs the question how to flip the poles?
Admittedly I have not done much to improve myself since the negativity post. However a break did finally come, via a friend I may have a job, which he assures me is a terrible one. But that doesn't really sway my opinion nor need for work, my schedule prior to being laid off was filled with work, 6 day weeks at 10 or more hours a day. Work is how I fill the void, it is how I cope. Honestly if I could have my own office separate from my home and could be paid to do the things I already do (market analysis, product review, photo editing, writing etc.) I could easily put in 16 hour days, however I don't know how to make that happen, but it would be interesting however improvable. It seems I always end up at the same conclusion; my ambition far exceeds my talents.
Anyway, seeing my friends and family succeed and be happy in life makes me jealous, which is wrong but it doesn't excuse the fact that I am. I see people with their husbands and wives and children and think, why couldn't my life have gone that way? Instead I am fighting a never ending battle with someone who I at one point wanted to share the rest of my life with, what kind of vicious fiend would ever wish that kind of torment on anyone? It's a plaguing thought, yet I am not able to speak of this to anyone (however posting it on public forum) because it would make me appear to still be attached to my ex. However the problem with a divorce when children are involved is that children are involved. So not only has one party destroyed the others life but the life of an innocent child, and depending the situation but in most cases the father pays the mother child support until the child is 18. Meaning that they are intrinsically involved in one another's lives up until that time, financially and emotionally for the child, exchanging custody and visitation. This for me is like being in a room with no windows and one door which is welded shut with crack at the bottom, I want to be involved in my sons life and I want to raise him, he means everything to me, but all I can do is pass notes under the door. I am trying to make the best of things by making the time I have with my son count, he knows that I love him and he loves me too which is a feeling that I can't describe.
I decided a while ago, perhaps 11 or so months ago that I will remain single until I think that I would want to get into anything serious. I don't believe that its fair to anyone to get involved in my situation without fully understanding it. Perhaps if I can by chance run into that perfect girl, what are odds of that. But I need to find a way to be happy just being me, I find that I placed too much reliance of my own happiness into significant others in the past, and then when things would end it made it that much harder to move on and find someone else because I would feel that I wasn't able to be happy.. Which isn't true, however I have always been bad at expressing emotion, even making an upward inflection in my voice seems trying at times. I am not sure what it will take to get me back to a feeling of happiness, or if that is even possible, maybe just being ok with things would be a step in the right direction.
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